Louisa McLane-Seidler, MFT

TALKING TO TEENS

The most basic cause of frustration, confusion and unhappiness between parents and teenagers are due to ineffective listening skills.

Your teen needs to be heard. Good listening gives them the feeling that they count, that they matter. It is during childhood that they develop a level of self-esteem that may follow them throughout their lives, and the teen who has been listened to is much more likely to develop a positive self-image than one who has not been heard.

"ACTIVE LISTENING" is an important skill for parents and teens to master. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when we use active listening. When a parent is an active listener, they are able to guide their teen to solve problems for themselves.

FOUR STEPS TO MASTER THIS SKILL

1. Stop what you are doing. Pay special attention as they talk. Maintain good eye contact and forget about the cell phone, television, etc. Teens can tell by the adults reply whether or not they have the adult's attention.

2. Listen with patience. Somethimes teens take longer to express their ideas, their vocabulary is not as sophisticated as yours. Listen as if you had plenty of time. We may feel we know better and cut the teen off. Let the teen express a thought freely at his/her own pace.

3. Sometimes they need encouragement to talk. The art of conversation is new, especially with parents. We sometimes have to ask questions. When the teen feels you are listening they are more likely to open up. Use door openers, not door slammers. (see below).

4. Listen to the non-verbal messages. Teens communicate not only through words, but also through body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, energy levels, or changes in behavior. Pay attention and respond in a positive manner.

DOOR OPENERS - open-ended responses that do not convey evaluation or judgment.

"What do you think?"
"That's a good question."
"I am very interested in what you are saying. Can you please explain it better?"
"Do you want to talk about it? If you are not ready, remember I am here!"

DOOR SLAMMERS - They convey to your teenager that you do not want to talk about it.

"You are too young to understand."
"That's none of your business."
"I don't care what your friends are doing."
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Don't come to me if you mess up."

From "Your Guide to Parenting Adolescents. About, Inc., A part of the New York Times Company.